The journey back to ourselves after trauma can be . . . fraught.
What we once loved about ourselves might scare us now. The memory of that time we were healthy and felt amazing is both #goals and terrifying because we had it and we lost it. Or someone stole it from us while calling it love. We keep dreaming of the times we felt both beautiful and alive, but like a Ray Bradbury story, the dark specter of what we know came next looms large and threatening in the background.
It takes incredible bravery and strength to enter into or stay in this space.
I really believe that chronic mystery pain and narcissistic relationship trauma are the two biggest contributors to this scary and difficult dichotomy.
If you’re a survivor (or experiencer) of either of these things (super common for highly sensitive empaths), I want you to know that I see you. You’re not alone. You’re in really good company, actually. At least here you are.
My heart is being called these days to enter this murky space. Six months ago, I began simply speaking my truth on Instagram and I was so terrified. I was (and am) recovering from both of what I mentioned above. I understand the struggle; I really do. It took me months to put a photograph of myself up anywhere, so total was my sense of disconnect and lack of safety in the world. But I did show up, as best I could. And I will keep showing up because I refuse to be beaten by either of these things. Do you have a supportive dialogue going with yourself around this? Feel free to borrow a personal favorite of mine: Don’t give up; the Universe falls in love with a stubborn heart.
I felt pretty comfortable for awhile and now I’m feeling all kinds of scared and out of sorts again. Because it’s time to level up. This is what happens.
See, some of our level ups will be easier to swallow. They’re still in the Tarot deck, for example, but they’re wands or pentacles or cups. Other calls to level up are in the Major Arcana and if you’re anything like me, you never wanted to run from anything like you want to run from them.
We feel this way because we are literally prodding the open wound. We’re acknowledging the open wound.
I am here to help you with your disassociation, your own trauma recovery. I have some beautiful evolution and embodiment services coming up, as I mentioned in my last post. I’ll be doing what I encourage you to do: be brave. be willing to try. don’t shy away.
We start in the darkness to get to the light.